When a child is acting out, parents often respond with anger. But there is a better way. Drawing on twenty years of experience as a child therapist, Jennifer Kolari explains that children act up when they feel an adult does not understand their concerns. The answer is parenting with empathy, which Kolari helps parents implement via her proven CALM technique:

Connect emotionally

match the Affect of the child

Listen to what your child is saying

Mirror their emotion back to show understanding

With this simple strategy, parents can connect with their child in any situation to reduce anxiety, de-escalate tantrums instantly and increase self-esteem. Insightful and empowering, Connected Parenting is filled with step-by-step advice and examples from families that have been transformed, often within weeks. It will bring out the best in you—and your child.

Jennifer Kolari, MSW, RSW, is a child and family therapist who has been based in Toronto for twenty years. In addition to coaching parents on how to develop and use Connected Parenting skills, she teaches children's social skills groups and parenting workshops. A sought-after speaker, Kolari has offered useful and practical strategies, delivered with warmth and humour, to schools, organizations, Canada and the United States. She lives in Toronto with her husband and their three children.

Jennifer Kolari's profile page

"Connected Parenting advises us not just how to parent, but—far more important—who to be as parents. The therapeutic methods suggested by Jennifer Kolari are based not on simple-minded behavioural solutions, but on building warm, nurturing relationships with our children, with insight and compassion not only for their little flaws, but also for our own larger ones." - Gabor Maté, M.D., physician and best-selling author of Hold on to Your Kids

"A must read for parents, educators, and any other adults who want to connect in a deeply caring and positive way with the children in their lives." - Barbara Coloroso, author, kids are worth it!

"In my 25 years of Family Medicine, I have encountered but a handful of superlative child therapists; Jennifer Kolari is one of these gifted people." - Dr. Pauline Pariser, Professor, University of Toronto

"There are so many wonderful things about Jennifer Kolari’s book Connected Parenting that I hardly know where to begin.... Of course, children and parents begin their journey in different places but all can benefit from learning the techniques outlined in Connected Parenting. Kolari provides a wealth of information for general parenting as well as specific direction for parents of children with special needs." - mychildfeels.com

“With humor, helpful anecdotes and, above all, compassion, Jennifer strives to help her clients reconnect ...She has helped my family in the most precious way and I hope that her book will now help other families.” - Robin, parent

"The ultimate survival guide for families." - Michael Kearns, senior producer, CBC News

" I can’t imagine what things would look like now, if I had not seen Jennifer. I had been everywhere, read every book and seen every specialist. It is now five years later and [my son and I] are still doing amazingly well. This method is not easy, but it works!" - Kathy, parent

"Kolari's strategy works on the most wound up child...Parenting doesn’t come with a textbook – Connected Parenting [comes] close." - Susan Ormiston, Broadcaster, CBC

"I have learned more about parenting through [Connected Parenting] then I have in three years of professional counsellors, therapists, psychologists and others!" - Judy, parent

"If you are a parent, know a parent , or are planning to become a parent, you need this book...The techniques in this book can be effectively applied to a 2 year old or a 20 year old... That's the beauty of Connected Parenting." - Dr. Debra DeBiasse, FAAP, Salina Regional Health Center, Salina, Kansas

"Tired of conflict with our boys, we picked up a copy of Connected Parenting...–and we’re so glad we did. ..Even in mid-meltdown, our boys responded to her mirroring technique ... Written in a friendly, accessible way complete with how to handle some of the toughest situations (from food issues to fights at bedtime), Kolari’s book showed us new ways to set boundaries, avoid tantrums and generally get along better with our little guys." - justthefactsbaby.com

"A practical hands-on guide." - Liana Lowenstein, child psychotherapist

"I’ve seen the difference [mirroring] has already made... I love this book and feel like I can finally be the mother I want to be." - Kristian, parent

"Just when I was ready to throw in the towel and inquire about boarding schools for toddlers, I heard about a book called Connected Parenting and I don’t hesitate to say that it has transformed both my daughter and my will to live... Read the book Connected Parenting” - www.workitmom.com

" For years, my husband and I have struggled with our second daughter.... I don't know what it was specifically about your book, but it finally "clicked" for me. I have been mirroring with all my children....and our house has been transformed. I have always prayed for a home that is a safe harbor where everyone feels truly loved and I feel like we're finally getting there!" - Diana, parent

" These are the keys to unlock the barriers that exist between parents and children. For parents, educators and Family Medicine residents, Jennifer Kolari’s first book should be required reading." - Dr. Marvin Gelkopf, Assistant Professor, University of Toronto

"[Kolari] was the best therapist, confidant and family friend we could have asked for... She helped us through a period of heightened stress, with humor, knowledge, and compassion. ...The Connected Parenting model ...helped us re-connect with our son... He literally skips to school now and it just makes my day!" - Andrea, parent

"How you respond to your child is how your child learns to respond to you. Focus on control when the child is oppositional or upset, and power struggles are likely to ensue. Focus on empathy, however, as Jennifer Kolari advocates, and concern for the child will encourage cooperation from the child, enabling the possibility for constructive change." - Carl Pickhardt, Ph.D., author of Stop the Screaming

This is, hands down, the most effective parenting system of our generation. This book will bring out the very best in your child....When my child turned five... His tantrums controlled the entire family....[Kolari]gave me parenting strategies that blew other techniques away. At the end of a few weeks of intense reparenting, my previously surly son began singing in the back seat of the car. I pulled to the side of the road and called her in tears. I'd never heard him sing before." - Tish Cohen, Author of Town House

"We have two children with special needs. The house had become like a war zone...Working with Ms Kolari was the best thing... We put strategies in place, we listened, we sympathized, and the results came." - Bob, parent

“[Kolari] has identified a very important gap in traditional approaches...I will be recommending Connected Parenting to every parent who brings their infant to my office.” - ¬Dr. Till Davy FRCP, The Hospital for Sick Children

"Kolari's approach to parenting was a godsend to our family... Unlike so many other parenting models, this one really works." - Pat, parent

“As a busy family doctor [and] the occupational medical director for major national and international corporations, I seek the finest consultants...[Kolari's] unique approach to parent and child issues brought forth real results .... I look forward to her book as my notes from our discussions are now tattered!” - Dr. L. Todd Walters

"While it may seem impossibly soft and child-coddling to those raised to fear and obey, techniques like Connected Parenting are the ones you come to when you hit a wall with the tried and true." - www.about.com

“As a single, divorced father with three young children...I have become a more understanding father whom my children see as firm but fair.” - Rob, parent

“[I] have found Jennifer’s style and techniques to be among the very best...This book is going to be required reading in any subsequent courses I teach on child and adolescent psychotherapy.” - Dr. Alisa Kenny Bridgman, C. Psych. Child and Adolescent Psychologist

"Using the CALM method truly makes a difference ... The mirroring method ...is very powerful and very effective." - Dr. Daphna Grossman, CCFP (EM), FCFP

“Nothing seemed to make a difference in helping us and our son cope with the difficult behaviors he has because of ADHD. ... Then we met Jennifer... Jennifer has given us the tools to face [our challenges], which we haven’t found anywhere else.”— - Michael, parent

“Kolari works wonders.” - Tobie Franklin, Learning Specialist

"Kolari has taken her exceptional gifts as a child therapist and made them accessible to a wider audience...These are the building blocks of loving, enduring relationships." - Pauline Pariser, MASc, MD, CCFP, FCFP

" If you have a challenging or difficult child (actually, even if you don't!) I highly recommend this book." - UrbanMoms.ca