Abuse

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Unworthy Creature

A Daughter's Memoir of Honour, Shame, and Love
edition:Hardcover
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Cruel but Not Unusual

Cruel but Not Unusual

Violence in Canadian Families, 3rd Edition
edition:Paperback
also available: eBook Paperback Paperback
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Persephone's Children
Excerpt

TodayToday, you will pull back the blankets and crawl out of bed. Today, you will pull back the blankets and crawl out of bed to let the dog out to relieve himself. Today, you will pull back the blankets and crawl out of bed to let the dog out to relieve himself before giving him breakfast. Today, you will pull back the blankets and crawl out of bed to let the dog out to relieve himself before giving him breakfast and you will go to the bathroom: to floss and brush and generally wash up, and dry your hands with a handful of tissues. Today, you will pull back the blankets and crawl out of bed to let the dog out to relieve himself before giving him breakfast and you will go to the bathroom: to floss and brush and generally wash up, and dry your hands with a handful of tissues because the laundry hasn’t been done for who knows how many days, which is another task that you should must add to your ever-growing to-do list, that must be recorded once you return to the kitchen with an island and an open view, and stacks of dirty dishes piled high next to the sink. Today you triple pinky-promise to pull back the blankets and crawl out of bed to let the dog out to relieve himself before giving him breakfast before going to the bathroom to floss and brush and generally wash up, before drying your hands with a handful of tissues because clean laundry is lacking because it hasn’t been done for who knows how many days, which is another task that you should must add to your ever-growing to-do list, once you return to the kitchen with an island and an open view, and stacks of dirty dishes piled high next to the sink, and have a chai latte and a bowl of muesli kissed with soy milk, which is followed by morning meds because you’ve been told that consistency and routine are both really important, which then reminds you that today is shower day which always feels like a monumental task, so it’s suck it up, buttercup as you return to the tiny washroom and turn on the shower allowing the water to warm while you remove your clothing, before climbing into the tub and huddling under the shower head to shampoo and condition greasy locks and to lather up your body with a bar of lavender soap — rinse and repeat, repeat and rinse, repeat before turning off the tap to exit the shower to towel off and to put on your cotton bathrobe with the hole in one pocket before heading to your bedroom where you will try to find within the land mine of dirty clothing something suitable to wear because you have yet to contend with the laundry which presents quite the quandary, cleanliness is important, is next to godliness, is part of doing the basics of ADL: the Activities of Daily Living you use to rebuild a life that has been broken into fugitive pieces that you lug around each day like chunks of fractured concrete because there’s no way to hold back the intrusive thoughts, intrusive thoughts which flash like a strobe lamp light that you try to ignore but can’t seem to deflect as you dress because it’s like playing a losing game of whack-a-mole, so today you try to distract by sitting down lying down sitting down with your laptop at a desk that you rarely use to try and right write five four three two hundred words for the day which is pretty bad good considering that some hours, days, weeks are more difficult than the rest, you mediate medicate meditate medicate to centre yourself even though all you want to do is lie down in bed to take a nap that lasts forever because every day is as frustrating exhausting as the one just past, which really doesn’t matter because now the dog wants needs to go four for a walk which means changing out of your schleps into something more lamentable presentable, not that you really care because the fact is you haven’t cared for so very long you can hardly barely rarely remember the last time when you cared, which might prove that M was right when he would tell you that he had a better memory than you did, thoughts a tape which constantly consistently plays on rewind and repeat, rewind and repeat inside your head — that or another one of his Greatest Hits that serenade and loop-de-loop inside your brain, (with a beat) beating you senseless, but the dog stares and doesn’t care, okay, well maybe he cares profoundly a little but certainly not as much as he’s invested in going for his walk which he reminds you of by barking at every goddamn person he spies through the window and so you place the dog on his leash, put on your Docs and your spring jacket, and then you take him for a walk to and through the neighbourhood park that’s a few blocks away from your place while trying not to be annoyed as the dog pulls on the leash, eager to sniff every interesting odour that might come his way as you walk through a tree-lined park before it’s time to head back in and take off your shoes and unleash the dog, who runs right in and parks his ninety-five-pound frame upon the couch, and while he barks, you make a lunch because regimens are of great importance and your stomach is growling, so you slap together a sandwich which you eat off the TV tray because you find it uncomfortable to eat meals at the dining room table after all those horrible Sundays spent being lectured by M at your white Ikea dining room table, which now acts as your writing desk where, sometimes, you will sit and write but write right now it is time for lunch while the dog sits on the carpet in front of you and gives the look of Please, oh pretty please, can I have just one taste?, which you know you shouldn’t, but still do anyways because he’s been your constant companion since getting out of your relationship with M, and once you’ve both had your fill you will try to read a book which will be hit or miss depending on the day, depending on the workings of your brain, a nervous system overload that makes consecration concentration hell, and so you stack the dirty dishes inside the dishwasher, press pots and pans, press normal cycle and listen, as another cycle begins, and you go back to that blank page to try cry and finish those five, four, three, two, one hundred words from a few hours ago before you lie down in frustration exhaustion on the sofa bed to answer emails and the call of procrastination before you have to fight a losing battle with heavy eyelids which means that when you awake it’s too late to make a meal for yourself, and so you go ahead and place a delivery order of fried rice with tofu and broccoli in a black-bean sauce because you haven’t really cook cooked or bake half-baked since you went and left M, and the slog that feels like forever because there’s still no divorce or remorse recourse for the harm he has wrought as you turn over in bed thinking, tomorrow, tomorrow, you will get out of bed.

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